When is the Best Time to Get Pregnant?
Patient #1 - “Lucy” is a new patient who recently got married and relocated to my city. She is coming to see me to discuss fertility. Her inability to conceive despite 3 months of trying has left her feeling frustrated. She breaks down into tears during the visit, “It’s not fair. ALL my friends are pregnant, when is it going to happen for me?”
Patient #2 - “Diane” is a long term patient, seeing me for her yearly well woman check. Reviewing the chart before walking into the room, I notice that for the last 4 years she had told me that she was considering trying to conceive. When I brought this up to the patient, she stated that she wanted to have children, but it never seemed like the perfect time. She wanted to wait one more year to get a few more things in order financially.
“Lucy” is 19 and “Diane” is 38. My examples might appear extreme, but I see these scenarios on a weekly basis.
Determining when to have your first child is a personal decision based on a multitude of factors. There is rarely a ‘perfect time’ to have a baby, but there are areas of your life that are helpful to have in order before you embark on the adventure of parenthood. Children are a beautiful gift, no matter when they come, but I am often asked what is the optimal time to have a baby. With half of all pregnancies being unplanned, some couples do not have the privilege of getting their ducks in order first, but for those who get a chance to plan accordingly, here are some issues to consider.
Age
Tick. Tick. Tick. Many of us have heard the all too real alarm of our biological clock blaring. One of the biggest concerns of most women is age. While age is an important factor when considering fertility it should not be taken as the only indication to have a baby.
Women are most fertile between the ages of 20-24. Fertility then begins to decline at age 30 and then more sharply at 37. Miscarriage rates begin to increase after age 35, reaching upwards of 5o% after age 40. I don’t put those numbers out there to strike fear in your heart, but to give you a realistic picture of human fertility. Yes, in an ideal world it would be best to complete your family before the age of 30, but I have many patients with healthy pregnancies in their 30′s and 40′s. It is by all means possible to have babies in your 40′s, but statistically the chances of conception do decrease with age.
The risk of having a baby with Down’s syndrome and other genetic abnormalities increases with maternal age as well.
Here’s the numbers:
At the age of 20 your risk of having a baby with Down’s syndrome is 1 in 2000
At the age of 35 your risk of having a baby with Down’s syndrome is 1 in 250
At the age of 40 your risk of having a baby with Down’s syndrome is 1 in 69
At the age of 45 your risk of having a baby with Down’s syndrome is 1 in 19
Let’s look at the numbers another way. What’s your chances of having a baby that DOESN’T have Down’s syndrome?
At the age of 20 i’ts 99.995%.
At the age of 35 it’s 99.6%.
At the age of 40 it’s 98.6%.
At the age of 45 it’s 94.8%.
Health
It’s is best to conceive when you are at a healthy weight. Ideally a BMI between 17-27 is associated with the best chance of conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy.
All chronic medical conditions should be stable for 6 months before getting pregnant. Talk to your doctor if you have diabetes, high blood pressure, lupus, hypothyroid or other chronic diseases to make sure you are stable on medication that is safe in pregnancy for 6 months before conceiving.
Marriage
“Taking care of a colicky baby has really enriched our marriage!” said NO COUPLE EVER.
As I see women in my office for their annual checkups, I have noted several times over the years where a patient comes in to discuss getting pregnant in one visit, then sadly the next year she is divorced.
Having a baby is one of the most amazing experiences of your life. It is also very hard and stressful. A baby should never be looked at as a way to save or improve an already rocky relationship. It is going to test your relationship, so you want to make sure that you are starting in a solid place.
A lot of marriage experts recommend being married between 3-5 years before adding kids to the mix. Take the time to invest in each other and build a stable marriage before kids.
Ideally you want to limit the number of major life events that occur around the same year as having a baby such as moving, changing jobs or getting married. All of these add additional stress to your life and relationship.
Finances/Career
I recently prescribed a medication to help a patient conceive. She called the office later stating it was too expensive and requested samples. The medication was $25.
If $25 is straining your budget, you probably can’t afford a baby right now.
You do not have to be rich to have a baby, but you do need to have financial stability. A steady income and health insurance are a must, while 3 -6 months of savings in the bank, a budget, and plan for childcare would be ideal.
God’s Timing
You and your spouse should be in full agreement on your decision to start your family. As you prayerfully consider the timing, you should each feel a sense of peace about the journey. There are always moments in your parenting journey where you say to yourself, ‘What was I thinking?’ If you know from the start that you are following God’s timing for your life, then you will have an added level of reassurance on the long days of two year old tantrums.
In today’s society, there are not many couples who are going to be financially stable and married for 3 years by age 25 in order to be done with their families by age 30. These are all recommendations to help provide guidance, not rigid rules. There must be a balance between my examples of Lucy and Diane. You can’t wait until everything is perfect or it might not happen, and you can’t live in fear of getting too old and rush into kids before you are truly ready either.
Despite the best of our own planning, God has a way of putting our family together just the way it was meant to be, in His perfect timing.
What do you think is the most important factor in starting a family?
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I think Gods timing should be #1 on the list. We got married at the age of 19, 11 months later our first was born, 14 months after that our second, then a miscarriage, then 21 months later another blessing, another miscarriage and then our 4th was born. We had 4 children who were all 5 and under and we had only been married for little over 6 years! There have been times in our marriage where we have been in a really tight financial situation and wondering how we will pay the bills (we dont have any debt aside from a small mortgage and we live very frugally, it is just my husbands income) and I have gotten pregnant. It is really amazing that God pays for what He orders, and with every birth there has been an increase. If we waited to be financially set we would have NEVER in our own will had kids when we did and we would have not had to walk by faith and by His grace have the opportunity to grow if faith and experience His loving hand in ways that we never would have. Gods heart is an extreme love for life and children, and if we are to be like Him as Christians should not our heart and life imitate Him? Who is missing from our dinner table because we put us before the Lord? I am so grateful that my in-laws handed their will over to the Lord or my husband would not be here. They had all the plans to stop at 3 children and then God spoke to my in-laws and they let Him plan their family. My husband is #4 of 10…when I go over to their home I often look around and go “wow what would it be like around here if they had done it their way?” my children would not be here for starters.
I agree that God’s timing is the most important aspect. I don’t think Dr. Rupe meant these to be in any order of importance. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. God’s plan is always best. Blessings to you and your family!
I LOVE this article!! I am newly pregnant with my first child. My husband and I took the time to be deliberate with our pregnancy in terms of finances, timing, prayer, and learning from others. In other words, we would get an A if we were being graded by this post. Having said that, I am surprised how many people have come out of the woodwork since announcing our pregnancy to tell us they want to/are trying to have a baby. Many times, these people admit to not being in the right place financially but push that aside for the “glamor” and excitement that is pregnancy. My husband and I didn’t make a flippant decision to start a family and when I see friends approach it in that way, I feel frustrated. Thank you for spelling out the considerations that need to be made when deciding to start a family while at the same time recognizing there is NO perfect situation. Still, welcoming a new baby as first time parents is hard enough WITHOUT the stress of a marriage, a lack of spiritual discipline, and financial troubles. And finally- I very much appreciate this article because it can help me better talk to my friends and give them a different perspective such as, “Have you thought about…”
I love reading these articles. As someone who tried to conceive for nearly a year and is expecting my first this year, your posts are always relevant, informative, and entertaining! Keep up the great work!
im 40 and i still want to getting pregnant because i miss to have a little baby. is it very risky for me? how about the rates for woman on my age getting pregnant until give a birth?
I found this post very interesting. My husband and I have been married a little over 6 years. I have wanted to start a family for 5 years and my husband has been less enthusiastic. Not that he does not want to be a father, he just wanted to get other things in our life “settled” first. It has taken a lot of patience and a lot of prayer on my part. Somewhere along year 3 I realized that my husband was right in his thinking. Now we are in a much better financial position, he is in a much better career position and our marriage has only grown stronger over the years. I am now 29 and he is 33. We are planning on trying to conceive this summer and we are both in a place that we can be excited and happy about it. My husband’s face now lights up when we discuss trying to conceive. The best part of waiting, is I am now healthier (I have lost 50 pounds) and I will be able to quit my job and be a stay at home mom when the baby is born. This is something that would not have been realistic 4-5 years ago. I thank God for giving me the patience to let my husband lead our home and bring us to the place that we are now. It has truly blessed me in ways I never thought imaginable. Some things in life do not need to be rushed and God’s timing is always the right timing.