Christmas is here. I am reminded of Mary and how she must have felt when the angel appeared and told her she would have a child. Talk about a surprise pregnancy! Her response is what floors me, “Let it be to me according to Your Word.”

Today marks the beginning of week 4 of my “pregnancy.” I’m right in the middle of what we infertile women like to call the 2 week wait (2WW). I imagine the clever term and it’s cute abbreviation was the creation of some poor infertile girl who needed some sort of mark to bind her to other women in her situation. I know it made the 2WW a little easier for me knowing that as I waited, thousands of other women in my shoes waited. . .most of us for months and months on end. Infertile or not, the 2WW is that time between ovulation and when your period would normally arrive. I’m sure any woman hoping to get pregnant – whether it’s her 1st or 15th month trying – hates the 2WW. No one likes waiting.

As I mentioned last week, I do not believe I ovulated this month so I’m not counting on seeing those double pink lines this time around. Perhaps it’s because this is just the first month or maybe it’s because I’ve done this drill before, but I am still peaceful about it all. After going through countless 2WWs before, I know that as hard as it is to wait, there’s nothing else I can do. If I can keep focusing on the truth about His perfect timing, I might make it through this process without going crazy.

Let it be to me according to Your Word God.

Merry Christmas!
Jessica

Today marks the beginning of week 3 of my “pregnancy” which means I should be ovulating. Problem is. . .I don’t think I’m ovulating. I am using those wonderful ovulation predictors (which basically means I have to pee on more sticks and the reward is not as great at finding out you are pregnant!) and those little buggers confuse me more than anything.

I have PCOS. Have I mentioned that before? Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is the reason I had so much trouble getting pregnant in the first place. I’ll spare you all the medical mumbo jumbo and just say that PCOS means I don’t ovulate regularly, or likely not at all. Having just come off the pill, I was hopeful I would ovulate since that’s what the pill does. I suspect I may ovulate later than normal (“normal” is 14 days before you normally start your period – or right in the middle of a 28 day cycle) so there is still hope this month.

I am actually much more at peace about trying this time around. If there was one thing I learned on my last journey it’s that God knows what He’s doing. After all the waiting and the miscarriages and the sorrow, His sovereignty ordained one tiny sperm to join one (and likely the only one) good egg to create a life destined to live before there was time. That’s what I believe about the Creator of life. He knows and wills and does for His great purpose. So as much as this process sucks, I am much more willing to wait this time knowing that His perfect will created this little girl that I am so crazy in love with. Why shouldn’t I trust Him?

I am reading this book by Hannah Whitall Smith that was written in the 1800′s. The Christian’s Secret to a Happy Life. I started reading it because lately I’ve noticed there are a lot of miserable Christians walking around this earth. I am intrigued to know what a woman who lived a few hundred years ago has to say about our happiness. Last night the chapter was about trust and the will. Hannah pretty much implores her readers to understand that trust has nothing to do with emotion. We constantly want to feel like we trust Him. Trust rather, is an act of the will and thus we must decide to trust Him. When we do so, our emotions come into alignment with our will and peace and happiness follows. Sounds simple, right? I don’t know how simple it is, but it’s what I’m going to do. I simply have to or I’ll go mad trying and waiting and trying and waiting. . .

This principle is something I need to apply to every area in my life. There will always be something we are waiting on or trusting Him for. We might as well be happy as we do so. He is faithful and despite the waiting and the counting and the 20+ sticks I will pee on, I will yield to His perfect will.

Will you?

Today begins week 2 of my “pregnancy”. Just to remind you, I’m not actually pregnant yet. Remember, pregnancy begins 2 weeks before you actually conceive.

I had surgery last week to repair an umbilibal hernia they found when I was pregnant with Hope. The doctor told me I needed to have it done before I got pregnant again to ensure it didn’t get worse. I was so excited to have this procedure as it was the first step towards baby #2. I came through the surgery just fine only to find out it wasn’t actually a hernia. Just a silly benign tumor or something like that. So there was really no need to cut me open. Thanks Dr. Hernia. Next time try doing an ultrasound to confirm your diagnosis. Still, I’m glad to be one step closer to getting pregnant. Now if those ovaries of mine would produce some good eggs this month, maybe I will be pregnant in a few weeks.

I am surprisingly peaceful about the journey this time. Of course I hope it won’t take as long this time around, but either way I am so much in love with my little girl and my hubby that months of waiting doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. More time to soak up life with Hope.

Here’s hoping for good eggs,
Jessica

Yesterday officially marked the beginning of week 1 of my “pregnancy”. Did you know that pregnancy actually “begins” at the beginning of your cycle even though you don’t conceive until roughly 2 weeks after that? I know, it doesn’t make any sense. But that’s what Dr. Rupe tells me. Pregnancy is counted in weeks (40 weeks), beginning with the day you start your cycle. Too much information?! I’m sure you don’t need to know much more about my menstrual cycle but I’ll warn you, if you are along for this ride, it’s going to get personal. So back to my cycle. . .

Isn’t it funny how you can wake up one day (say, day 1 of your cycle) and feel like you’ve gained 10 pounds overnight? WTH?! Seems so unfair to have to bear the burden of your period (we like to call it “the dot” in our house) AND bloating. Good thing I have the hope of pregnancy to keep me going.

By the time my next menstrual cycle rolls around again, I’ll know if I got pregnant this month. If I don’t get “the dot” I’ll know I’m 4 weeks pregnant. Make sense?

Don’t worry if you’re not getting it. The book will explain it much better than I am here. You’ll just have to wait for it to come out to understand completely.

Wish me luck this month!
Jessica