In the 11 years I’ve been birthin’ babies, I’ve heard some crazy things in the delivery room. While most dads try their best to be supportive during labor, lets face it, this is an entirely new adventure for them. Here are some of the common gaffs that I hear dads make.

1. “That looks easy!”

This is a common faux pas that comes out surprisingly often in the delivery room. I will usually attempt to help save their marriage by suggesting that what he meant to say was “Honey you did so awesome, that you made it look easy.”

Most often, it is an honest mistake on the part of the dad.  In the excitement of the moment, he’s not sure what to say. Trust me dads, no delivery is ever ‘easy.’

2. “My back hurts.”

I recently had a dad request my stool, as I went to deliver his wife’s baby. “Sorry sir, I need the stool to help bring your child into this world,” I said. “But my back really hurts” he replied, as his wife was pushing…without an epidural.

Really, dude? No, you cannot have my stool. You can stand there and be supportive of your beautiful wife as she experiences the worst pain of her life. Plus, I went to school a long time for the privilege of sitting on this stool. Are you going to ask to wear my white coat next, because you are chilly?

While your wife is in labor, you are not allowed to complain. I don’t care if you have a herniated disc and you have been asked to sleep on the floor.

On a related note, it is also bad form to sleep while your wife is pushing.

3. “No, honey you can’t have an epidural, because WE have decided to have natural childbirth.”

Beforehand, women often tell their husbands to not let them get an epidural, no matter what they say. But sometimes…they really mean it.

This is a sticky situation for the dad,  similar to the questions, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” or “Do you think my friend is cute?”  He doesn’t always know the right answer.

He wants to stick to the ‘birth plan’ but he also doesn’t want his wife to suffer. I feel for you dad, but no matter how involved you are in coaching the labor, referring to the experiences of birth in the first person is never a good idea.

In all seriousness, it is a good idea to have a secret code word that your wife can tell you when she really means business about the epidural.

4. “This Chick-fil-A is so awesome!”

Most hospitals do not allow the laboring mom to eat, so don’t devour a Chick-fil-A sandwich in front of your hungry wife. Even if she is not hungry, the smell of food can make her nauseated.

As an aside, do not ever bring a tuna fish sandwich into the room. It stinks…in a bad way.

5. “Just one second, let me finish this Tweet.”

Recently I had to utter a phrase in the delivery room that I thought I would never have to say:

“Dad put down your iPhone, come over here and cut the cord.”  I swear I did.

Technology is awesome. As soon as the baby is born, you want to get the news out ASAP. But take a few minutes and enjoy the birth of your child before you start Facebooking it.

Also, don’t randomly start uploading delivery room pictures, until you look at them very closely. Another technology mistake is the accidental crotch shot upload.

The majority of dads, even the ones who make these mistakes, are overall very supportive. Most dads do rise to the occasion, as I’m sure your hubby will. Just to be safe though, you may want to ‘accidentally’ leave this post up on his laptop tonight.

Did your husband say something he shouldn’t have while you were in labor? If you haven’t experienced birth yet, what do you hope he doesn’t say?

Warning this post contains mature content.

As an OB/GYN I often have to ask my patients some rather delicate questions.  In return, at times I get some  interesting answers.  When women are having symptoms of preterm labor, a test can be done called a fetal fibronectin.  This is a vaginal swab that detects a specific protein in the vaginal fluid.  If the patient has had intercourse recently then the test cannot be performed, because the semen will cause the test to come back abnormally positive.  So before performing this test I need to inquire about their recent amorous activity. We’ll get to some of the amusing answers later…

A lot of women and their partners have concerns about being intimate during pregnancy.  A recent  article by the Canadian Medical Journal looked at the topic. “Sexual activity is common in pregnancy, but the frequency varies widely, with a tendency to decrease with advancing gestational age,” write Claire Jones, MD, from the Department of Obstetrics, Mount Sinai Hospital and University of Toronto in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and colleagues. “Decreased sexual activity may be attributable to nausea, fear of miscarriage, fear of harming the fetus, lack of interest, discomfort, physical awkwardness, fear of membrane rupture, fear of infection or fatigue. Libido and sexual satisfaction may also be negatively affected by a woman’s self-perception of decreased attractiveness.”

I think that’s ‘doctor talk’ for some women feel fat and tired when they are pregnant and that doesn’t do a whole lot to put them in the mood.  Just as each woman is different, so is their sexual response to the hormonal changes of pregnancy.  I think it is helpful to remember that the definition of ‘normal sexual frequency’ is  extremely broad, especially in pregnancy. Some women report increased libido with pregnancy with  daily sexual activity.  Most commonly though, there is an inverse relationship between the frequency of intercourse and the gestational age fetus.

The study also reassured us that sex in pregnancy is in general considered safe.  While we know that nipple stimulation, orgasm and the semen all result in an increase in contractions, in the average women they do not appear to cause preterm labor or miscarriage.  However, if sex is painful or causes bleeding you should abstain and notify your provider.

In certain situations it is recommended to avoid intercourse, such as those women at high risk for preterm labor or those with placenta previa.  The data on preterm labor is inconclusive, but it makes sense that if you cervix is opening too early, you should avoid all activities that might stir things up.  In placenta previa, sexual intercourse should definitely be avoided due to increased risk of hemorrhage.

So sex in pregnancy is considered safe for most patients, though desire and frequency is quite varied.  Which brings me to my awkward question:

Me, “Have you had sex in the last 24 hours?”

Patient,”Sort of”

—

Me, “Have you had sex in the last 24 hours?”

Patient,”Yes, but it wasn’t very good.”

Me, “Um…sorry?”

—

Me, “Have you had sex in the last 24 hours?”

Patient,”No”

Husband,”Yeah, we did”

Patient, “Oh, yeah, I forgot”

—

Me, “Have you had sex in the last 24 hours?”

Patient, “yes, 3 times”

—

Me, “Have you had sex in the last 24 hours?”

Patient,” No”

Husband, “Actually it’s been 43 days.”

Twas February 14, 1994.

I had been looking forward to Valentines Day quite earnestly that year. It was the first time I truly had a ‘Valentine’.  I had dreamed of all the romantic things he might do.  Perhaps roses , chocolates or a funny scavenger hunt might be in my future.  Russ and I had been dating for 8 months and we were crazy in love.

Honestly, I don’t remember exactly where we went to dinner, probably somewhere cheap considering we were poor college students, but I will never forget the gift exchange.  He opened my gifts first: chocolates, a love letter and a shirt that I had painstakingly picked out.  He seemed to like all my gifts.  Then he handed me mine.

The first thing I noticed was that there was no wrapping paper , gift bag* or card.  He handed me a Walmart plastic bag with something rather bulky inside.

Hmmmm.  OK.  I wasn’t so sure about this, but still I was grinning a silly grin from ear to ear.

As I opened the bag my grin turned to a frown as I peered inside the sack at my ‘gift’.

“A three hole punch?” I said

“Yes,”  he replied proudly

“What on earth would possess you to get me three hole punch for Valentines?”

“Well I heard you say you wanted one”

Needless to say the tears that flowed were not ones of joy.

So, over the years I learned not to anticipate too much for  Valentines day.  My husband had many, many wonderful qualities, but romance was not usually among them.  Though I must say we still own that 3 hole punch.  I used it almost daily when I was working on the book.  Each time it makes me smile, as I think of that first Valentines Day and how far we’ve come.

Fast forward 17 years and 2 kids later, to Valentines 2011 and he totally redeemed himself.    There were NO office products involved this year!  I was initially treated to a large box of LUSH bath products,  followed by an overnight trip to Nashville on Friday night and also dinner on Valentines itself.

Russ, you are the love of my life.  You are the most amazing husband and dad.  I truly could not have completed this book project without your love and support…. or my three hole punch.  Happy Valentine’s Day Sweetheart.

*Russ has strong feelings about gift bags.  Whenever I buy a gift bag he suggests I just tape a five dollar bill to the present instead “because people would totally appreciate that more”