“So neither the one who plants or the one who waters is anything but only God who causes things to grow.” 1 Corinthians 3:7

Firmly Planted and Growing. . .

This morning I had the privilege of speaking to the women at The Gate in Franklin, TN. What a precious group of girls. So much life represented there. One hopeful mommy is now expecting after several miscarriages and we had a sweet time of prayer for another still believing for her miracle. Here’s a little bit of what I shared after I told my story. This has been on my heart for some time now. Nothing completely earth-shattering but I believe good reminders for us no matter what it is we are walking through.

I’ve always said, we never know what the Lord is going to require of us because he is more concerned with our growth and his glory than any outcome here on earth. I never imagined how true that would be for me. I’m sure many of you can say the same. We never start out on the journey expecting it to be hard. We are wide-eyed and hopeful. I know I was.

Throughout my journey to motherhood, I kept asking the Lord to spare me any more heartache so I could see how deep my relationship with him would go apart from sorrow. But I realized, the heartaches and the sorrows are the rain that cause our growth. Without them we would remain stagnant and unfruitful.

And growth requires both sunshine and rain. Too much sunshine without the rain leads to drought. Too much rain without sunshine leads to flooding. We need to seek him for balance but hope for both sunshine and rain to nourish us. This is how we become firmly planted and ultimately grow.

This Thanksgiving season I challenge you {as I am also challenging myself} to ask the questions:

What things are sunshine in my life?
What things are the rain?

Acknowledge and thank him for it all. Your life and it’s growth and fruitfulness require both.

Thankful for sunshine and rain,
Jessica

It was 3 a.m. on a Saturday night, midway through my intern year, when the impact of pregnancy loss first slapped me in the face. As intern, I was in charge of doing the paperwork for all those being admitted to the hospital that night. The last patient on my list was a pleasant 50 year old women being admitted for pelvic pain.

In my rush to finish the paperwork and hopefully get an hour of sleep, I began hammering her with my list of questions. I started with, what every good OB/GYN intern starts with, the “G’s and P’s”.  G=Gravida,  which stands for the number of pregnancies. P=Parity, which stands for the number of deliveries. Each piece of the  gynecological medical record starts with this bit of information.  Yes, OB/GYNs start first by judging the ability of your womb to accept and carry a child.

“How many times have you been pregnant?” I ask hurriedly, pencil in hand.

“Only once.. but … he didn’t make it.” She said, her voice shaking, with a single tear quickly wiped from her cheek.

I was taken aback, both by her response and my own. This loss had occurred years ago, yet still stung so deeply. That night I learned to ask this question more tactfully.

A couple years later, I learned another lesson in the pain of pregnancy loss when my own joy of conceiving was quickly mired by seeing  blood stained toilet paper.  My loss was early, but the pain was deep and real.  Time has healed my hurt, but I am frequently reminded of the pain of loss as I am often the bearer of bad news.  Sadly, miscarriage is extremely common and something I had dealt with on a regular basis.   I had not truly appreciate the level of loss experienced until I was on the other side of  the stethoscope.

Over the years I learned to look differently at the G’s and P’s on the medical record. My heart will ache when I see a G6P2, realizing the painful reality that the 4 losses must represent.  I cannot fathom feeling your heart sink so deep with disappointment, not just once, but 4 times.

October 15 is pregnancy and infant loss day. A time to remember and acknowledge the loss and pain that occurs when the G’s and P’s do not align.  For those of you who have experienced this loss, I cannot say I know how you feel, for everyone processes loss differently.  I can say that I acknowledge that your pain is real and I  pray that in your journey  you find peace and healing.

Many of you already know my story but I had the great privilege to guest post for my friend Shelley Hendrix this week, sharing how hope changed everything in my life. Shelley is the lovely brains and heart behind Church 4 Chicks, a wonderful ministry to women in the Atlanta area. God is doing great things through her ministry and you may be able to find Church 4 Chicks in your area sometime soon. We’ll also be seeing other things from Shelley like a brand new book coming in the next year. I’ll be sure to tell you about it when the book is available.

Hope Changes Everything

My daughter’s name is Hope . . . because her life came after a season of longing, waiting, suffering and loss. I had always wanted children and I suppose I thought my mere desire would lead to its reality. I never imagined I would have to contend for something that God created me to be – a mother. After being diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), I knew my journey to motherhood would be longer than the average girl. Two years and two miscarriages later, Hope was born.

Through the process I learned so much about my relationship with Christ. Although I did not want to imagine going through anything worse than I had been through, I remember feeling a sense that this was preparing me for some greater trial.

We simply don’t know what the Lord is going to require of us. . .

{Hop on over to www.shelleyhendrix.org to read more. . .}

Both Dr. Rupe and I have the great privilege of walking through life with a dear friend, Donna. She has been there for both of us through joy and pain. This past month she shared a piece she wrote with Dr. Rupe in mind. I can honestly say she took the words right out of my heart. I weep every time I read these words because I have been on the receiving end of this sweet and honest, “I’m sorry. . .”

I pray that those who have experienced or will experience loss have the gift of a provider who feels your grief. If not, know that we do and we pray for you often (even if we don’t know your name). And most of all -  the giver of life. . .the One who knows your name. . .knows your pain and He loves you.

Thank you Donna for so beautifully expressing something so many of us have walked through. You are a treasure.

“I’m sorry,” she said, as she bowed her head, then looked up into my eyes.
The words she said, caused my heart to dread and I began to cry.

Her credentials gave her authority, her practice showed success.
The office ran efficiently, with staff and partners who impressed.

Her coat of white or scrubs of green, were symbolic of how she’d trained.
Skilled and talented, a gift it seemed, for a practice of joy and pain.

“I’m sorry…” She used no fancy phrases to hide her own unease.
No empty words, no false assurances, her own pride to appease.

“I’m sorry…” No sweeter words, nor more with power when said with such humbled heart.
For I saw she knew, from her own past pain, how deeply my loss hurt.

“I’m sorry…” Shining eyes from tears unshed, with a tender touch to my hand.
She eased the sting of truth she shared, and comforted instead.

My hopes now crushed, my dreams now gone, she could have dashed away.
“I’m sorry,” she said, with a broken voice, then sat next to me and stayed.

So, when finally I left, new plans to be made I walked slowly down the hall.
Where pictures of life I’d never hold lined almost every wall.

But her door was cracked, the room was dark with just enough light to see.
There her Bible open, and tissue in hand; I heard faith filled words for me.

No way to fix my brokenness or change my heart deep feelings.
But in that moment, paused in time, her prayer began my healing.

dmh 6/2011

The last three weeks have been a crazy blur of sadness. In the mist of one the busiest delivery months of the year, it seems that a daily dose of bad news has surrounded me. Three close friends have received devastating news.  My heart breaks for each of them, as I search for tangible ways to attempt to help. Sprinkled in between the joyous deliveries and the blows to my friends, has been a unusual number of patients to which I’ve had to be the bearer of bad news.

Over the last three weeks the phrase, “I’m so very sorry , but it appears that your baby has no heart beat” has left my mouth way too many times. It never gets easier to say. Each time my stomach turns and my heart aches as I turn to the mother to gauge her reaction.

In these moments, I wish I could do more. I wish there was a test I could draw to give an answer.  I dream of a magic text book I could consult to find the perfect medication to cure all their ills. I’m a doctor, a fixer, a problem solver.  With problems of the heart, there are no easy answers.  I feel inept and frustrated. With all the loss I‘ve gone through, I should be able to draw from my experience to find the right words of comfort. After writing a book about a peace filled pregnancy, I should be able to quote the perfect scripture to make everything OK.

For my friends and my patients that I can’t ‘fix’, what I can do is be there. I can listen and provide a caring touch. I can comfort and reassure them. I can give them permission to grieve. I can acknowledge the depth of their loss. I can encourage them that some day the hurt will fade. I can pray. And I can hope that these things are enough.

Sometimes I can find a medical issues that can be treated, giving hope for the future.   But I can’t heal their heart. Only God can do that. While I am imperfect and frustrated,  He “the Great Physician” is enough.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21

As Mother’s Day draws closer, I find I have mixed emotions. I am excited to celebrate the fact that God has blessed me abundantly in the mere fact that I get to be called “Mom”. But the circumstances surrounding my family cause my enthusiasm to be stunted.

A year ago on Mother’s Day, I stood in church while we sang Matt Redman’s song, “Blessed Be Your Name” and I wept. It was two short months after losing twins through a heterotopic pregnancy and as I thought of the now, four babies I’ll never meet here on earth I felt both sorrow and joy because after all, I am their mother too. I suppose I was so moved by the song because it’s been part of the soundtrack of my journey to motherhood. Each time I experienced a miscarriage, I heard this song on the radio. . .within days before it happened. I’ve gotten to the point where I quickly turn the tuner if it comes on for fear of what it might mean. As if God would allow a song to determine my fate. . .But that moment for me was both cleansing and transforming as I realized my role as a mother goes way beyond the limitations of this earth. Since I believe in the eternal, I can believe that every life I produced as a mother has a purpose – even though I do not touch it in the physical.

He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name.

Earlier this year as we celebrated the miracle life currently growing in my womb, we simultaneously mourned the loss of my husband’s mother, Linda. After a short battle with ALS, Linda went to be with Jesus on January 31. Three weeks later we said goodbye to Linda’s mother – Dave’s grandmother, Lenore.

He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these two women as I look towards Mother’s Day. Like me, their role as mother and grandmother goes way beyond this earth. I am sad that we cannot honor them in the flesh but I know that the legacy they leave behind shines daily light on the fact that they were great women. I see them in my sister in law. . .I see them in my own daughter. And because I believe in the eternal, I believe they are being celebrated in Heaven, perhaps alongside my little ones. . .their grand-babies.

He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name.

This song holds so much more meaning for me now. I am surrounded by the blessings He gives: 2 miracle babies, my own precious mother who lives so close. . .the list could go on and on. And yet He takes away: loved ones, dreams. . .thankfully not as long a list. As I encounter blessing and loss in my life, I may not always feel it but my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name. Whether you are dealing with the loss of a mother or grandmother or child. . .If you are dealing with the pain of infertility or waiting for your dream of motherhood to be fulfilled, I pray that each of you will find hope and strength within your heart this Mother’s Day to declare the same.

Happy Mother’s Day,

Jessica

P.S. There’s still time to enter the book giveaway for Mother’s Day. If you missed it, check out this post on a miracle birth story and enter to win!

Last week I received my insurance statement from my ER visit and surgery. I don’t know if I hadn’t really dealt with this fully but seeing that piece of paper with all of those charges and credits and balances triggered something in me. I was angry. Although I am very thankful to have insurance, it seemed unfair to have to shell out $1500 for nothing. I suppose the reality of my loss hit me harder when there was a dollar sign attached to it. What does that say about me? As I processed my emotions I realized that part of what I was feeling was foolishness for thinking that I could get pregnant without the measures we had to take for Hope. And if I’m completely honest, I felt foolish that I ever thought I could be healed of infertility like my other girlfriends who walked the road with me. Both of my infertility companions have conceived and delivered very healthy babies by surprise. I figured that would not be my story but I had hoped that maybe, just maybe this time at least we wouldn’t need to go to the fertility clinic. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled for my girlfriends who have this testimony to tell. Those surprise, miracle babies are precious and I love them dearly. I secretly hoped I would join them with my own story. Obviously, I will not.

I am very aware that the Lord writes a different story for the journey of each one of us. If I’ve done anything foolish it’s compare myself to others along the way. I will pay the hospital bills when they come in and I’ll move on, trusting that He will provide the way for our next baby.

A few days after coming to terms with what I was feeling I had lunch with my dear friend who works for Compassion International. She shared with me about their child survival program. This program offers expectant mothers in developing countries support through prenatal, postnatal and infant care. The sponsorship covers these mothers and babies until the child is 4 years old or eligible for Compassion’s child sponsorship program. I had no idea this existed. I immediately became excited to support this effort. Here I am complaining that I had to pay $1500 to have my life saved and these mothers are desperate for the minimal care it would take to save their life and the life of their baby. I plan to talk more about this effort on the blog and maybe even in the book. Now more than ever I am very passionate about expectant mothers and babies being given the best care possible. I encourage you to read more about this program at www.rescuebabiesnow.org

I received quite a kick in the butt from the Lord after this encounter. I am so thankful that He showed me this opportunity because it caused me to quickly put things in perspective. He is forever trying to push us to look beyond ourselves to the many needs around us.

Will you stop and ask Him what He wants to show you through all you are experiencing right now? You might be surprised at what He reveals. Are you ready to look beyond yourself?

You probably thought you were done with my roller coaster ride, didn’t you?! It’s not quite over yet.

After finding out we were definitely miscarrying, I bled for a week and started to begin feeling more like myself. I was looking forward to this ordeal being over when all of a sudden I began feeling the most horrible pain I have ever felt. I went through the weekend thinking my digestive system was out of whack or my body was just working overtime to release this pregnancy. On Monday morning, after passing out twice from the pain or loss of blood or something, we decided to take a visit to the ER.

My faithful friend and doctor met me there on her day off (so sorry Heather). They did an exam and another ultrasound and discovered that I was experiencing an ectopic or tubal pregnancy. Apparently, I had conceived twins. One made it to my uterus but never fully formed. The other implanted in my fallopian tube and began to grow. My tube ruptured and caused all of the pain I had been feeling through the weekend.

I had surgery on Monday afternoon. I felt so at peace knowing I was in Dr. Rupe’s capable hands. She did have to remove one of my tubes because the damage was not repairable. It will take about a week to recover from the surgery but I already feel so much better than before.

I am so thankful that God protected me through this experience. This really could have had long term effects on me and my reproductive abilities (as if they weren’t damaged enough!). There are moments when I want God to give me a clear answer as to why this was necessary. But I can’t make myself crazy wondering why. I just need to trust Him. This will likely prolong the process of our conceiving again. I have a great peace about that as well. He has proven this His timing is perfect so I can’t fight that. I must surrender to His sovereignty.

Thanks for joining me on this ride. If nothing else, I hope a glimpse into my experience will show you that life is truly a miracle and that although things don’t always go our way, God is loving and faithful and He will carry us through.

It’s been quite a roller coaster the past week. We found out on Friday that this pregnancy is definitely not viable. I am disappointed and frustrated yet I feel very peaceful. I have asked the Lord why is was necessary for us to go through this again. I don’t have an answer just yet and I may never have one. What I do know for sure is that He is God and as much as I don’t understand His ways, they are higher than mine.

We visited a church this weekend where the pastor is currently teaching on Genesis 3 – the fall of man. He spoke about how there is something wrong with everything in the world because of the decision Adam and Eve made to disobey God. He pointed out that in God’s response to Eve He told her she would have pain in childbirth. He expounded on that consequence and suggested that it would include pain and struggle in conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. Thanks a lot Eve, you really screwed this up for me, didn’t you?! I guess in some small way, studying the fall of man like this gave a bit of purpose to what I am going through right now.

As much as I hate to admit it, there will probably not be a new baby in our family in 2010. Being the planner that I am, I had many ideas of how I wanted this year to look. Going through a loss like this not only hurts my heart, it hurts the calendar of events I so carefully planned for this year. I don’t know why I haven’t learned by now that I need to stop planning and just allow Him to lead me day by day towards the promises I know He will fulfill. Obviously when you deal with infertility there has to be a bit more to it than “let’s just go off the pill and see what happens.” Still, I need to learn to live somewhere in between.

I hope that my response to this setback will be encouraging to others. I want women to know that it’s OK to be disappointed. It’s OK to wonder why. The important thing is not to stay in that place. Believe me, I have been wrestling with God this week. But at the end of the day I am left feeling completely peaceful that He is faithful and that He loves us and will provide another baby for our family. I would be inhuman if I didn’t feel disappointed, sad, and frustrated through these circumstances. But because of God’s great grace in my life, I can overcome those emotions and live in faith that He is who He says He is.

For those of you interested in the medical side of what’s been going on. . .I guess you could say the baby never materialized. I suppose sperm fertilized egg but it did not go much beyond that. I’m sure Dr. Rupe can shed more light on the subject but that is my understanding. So what’s next? Well my body went into pregnancy mode so now we wait for it to get the message that it’s not happening. It could take a couple of weeks for my HCG hormone levels to go back to zero. Then we wait for my cycle to start and we try all over again. This could take several weeks so we’ll spend more time on the blog talking about other aspects of pregnancy, childbirth and the book in the coming weeks.

We would appreciate your prayers as we look to wrap up the manuscript in the next month. This miscarriage has been a bit of a set back as I’ve not been up for writing lately. I feel like I am almost back in the game so I’ll get cracking this week.

Continuing to Hope,

This is a post I had hoped and prayed I would not have to write. I suppose since I agreed to walk out this pregnancy journey in front of all of you, I had to be ready for this.

I’ve longed for years to be one of those girls that was surprised by a pregnancy. I’ve dreamed of saying, “Oh wow. I’m pregnant. I had no idea.” Or, “Oops. I’m pregnant. Wasn’t planning that.” I figured that would never be my story but I always wondered. Yesterday, I came a tiny bit closer to this reality, although it’s not turning out like I had hoped.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was to start taking Provera last week to jump start my cycle. This was our course of action after thinking I had not ovulated last month. After taking the Provera and waiting for my cycle to begin, I was met with nothing more than a little spotting. I called Dr. Rupe to ask about this and she told me to go ahead and start the next round of Clomid as the spotting could be considered a “period.” She suggested I take a pregnancy test first just to be certain. I’m sure you know where this is going.

After years of day dreaming about how I would respond to a surprise, positive pregnancy test, I was finally given the opportunity to react. I called out to Dave and showed him the stick which adorned very clear, double, pink lines. I was giddy thinking this was God’s way of delighting in me by giving me this silly heart’s desire. I was giddy for about five minutes – the time between my first, surprise, positive pregnancy test and when I started bleeding. Twenty four hours later I am still bleeding and as experience would suggest I am likely in the middle of my third miscarriage.

I hope I don’t sound faithless to be confessing miscarriage before I even know for sure. I have been wrestling with the Lord today going from hope to anger to sheer disappointment. I know He can do anything and I trust that He will if this baby is His plan. But if you’ve ever experienced anything like this before, you know then that you have to be prepared for whatever the answer. So I am doing just that. . .spending time talking with God so I can better understand His heart in all this. My simple, human mind cannot comprehend how He would allow us to go through this again. But then, how could He allow the poor nation of Haiti to endure all that they’ve gone through in the past few months? Who am I to question His sovereignty? More so, who am I to question His goodness?

As I began this day, my heart was filled with questions and some fear. I opened my new, favorite devotional book and read,

“Trust and thankfulness will get you safely through this day. Trust protects you from worrying and obsessing. Thankfulness keeps you from criticizing and complaining, those sister sins that so easily entangle you. Keeping your eyes on Me is the same thing as trusting Me. It is a free choice that you must make thousands of times daily. The more you choose to trust me, the easier it becomes. Thought patterns of trust become etched in your brain. Relegate troubles to the periphery of your mind so that I can be central in your thoughts. Thus you focus on Me, entrusting your concerns into my care.” Sarah Young – Jesus Calling

Thank you for your prayers as we await His answer. No matter what the outcome, He is faithful.

With my eyes fixed on Him,