Let there be no mistake about it. I am absolutely, without a doubt, pro-life.

After the release of The Pregnancy Companion we were told by a high-profile Christian family ministry that they could not partner with us because “they did not share our views on abortion.” As you can imagine, this came as quite a surprise to us since we don’t address abortion in the book {after all, it is about pregnancy} besides mentioning that a D&C to remove a miscarried baby is in no way an abortion. It was frustrating, to say the least, that these Christian leaders did not engage us enough to understand our passionate hearts for babies and mamas – our whole motivation for creating these books and this community. Although I’ve always considered myself “pro-life”, I hadn’t thought much about my position on choosing life - even after this annoying accusation – until recently.

Last night I attended a memorial service that no one should ever have to bear. When my mother-in-law died from ALS at the age of 61, we said it was too soon, and it was. What do you say when a baby is taken before she ever graces the earth with her pure and precious soul? It’s too soon. A gross understatement.

As I sat and wept with my friends who said goodbye to their baby girl the day she was born into their arms, lifeless, I was amazed by their strength. This is a couple who I highly respect. Two people who are constantly giving to others, who carry joy within their daily lives no matter the circumstances and who are driven by their deep faith. Their journey over the past 4 months since they learned their unborn baby girl had Trisomy 13, has been inspirational. So focused on allowing their process to minister to others and ultimately bring glory to God, these two have amazed me.

Last night was no exception. In the midst of an extremely emotional service, they exemplified what it truly means to walk in faith.

As I’ve grieved with them over the past week I’ve been asking the Lord the typical why? and how could this be? questions. Thing is. . .I know the answer. I understand, albeit with shallow depth, that we live in a fallen world and these devastating circumstances are part of it. But I found myself crying out to him on their behalf, But they didn’t get to choose! As I uttered those words about choice, I believe he revealed to me that the same brokenness that takes away their choice, begs to offer another mother hers.

I wouldn’t dare try to turn my friends’ devastation into a political discussion. But I feel compelled to share with you this revelation. If you believe a woman should have the choice whether to keep or terminate her pregnancy then perhaps you are reading the wrong blog right now. We are a faith-based ministry and we believe in the sanctity of life from it’s very beginning. We believe that all life has a purpose beyond this earth and that God is the author of that purpose. Please do not attack this post trying to alter our beliefs. Simply move on and let the rest of us ponder in peace.

It required the same strength and faith in the midst of fear for my friends to choose joy and peace in their circumstances as it would take for a mother to choose life in the midst of an unwanted or feared pregnancy. I have been so broken by the fact that my friends didn’t get to choose life for their child and countless mothers do have the chance to choose life for their unborn babies every day. I realize that these mothers may be facing devastating or scary circumstances surrounding their pregnancy. I get that they may not have planned it. My friends didn’t plan their circumstances either. This precious couple also faced fear of the unknown, an incredible adjustment in their lives and a circumstance that was grossly outside of what they had dreamed.

I’m not trying to compare losing a child to contemplating an unplanned pregnancy as if they were identical situations. I’m merely processing the realization that brokenness takes on many forms. No matter what it looks like in our own lives, we all have a choice. The choice of life, for some, is very literal. For many it’s about choosing joy and hope in the midst of fear and grief. It’s about choosing to trust and walk peacefully down an unknown road knowing that we are not alone.

This sweet couple could easily be walking in bitterness. They could be angry and confused and without hope. They could have allowed this loss to bury them in grief. Instead, they are a testimony. They are living proof that God is near to the brokenhearted. I wish the same peace and closeness of Christ for anyone going through a loss like this or any loss for that matter. I pray the same strength would rise up in mothers who are facing the choice of whether or not to choose life for their child. Each and every circumstance is different {which is why I hate the politics that must surround the issue of life} but the truth remains. All of the strength and hope we need to make the right choices is available to us in Christ. And we are all one choice away from really living. Everyday.

The truth is. . .my friends did have a choice. And they chose life.

It’s fall and somehow the leaves that abandon their source to make way for new life once winter rest has passed gives me hope. I see evidence of this cycle of life all around. What looks as though it’s been lost is giving way to something new.

But we must wait. Wait until the time has come for the newness to flourish in sun and rain.

I notice the color of loss is vibrant yet deceiving. So full yet so empty. Sad but hopeful.

I allow myself to feel every emotion that waves through me as I process this process. But I am determined to land on hope.

There is a sweetness in the sorrow as it draws us closer to our Maker and His divine purposes. As He comforts our pain and silences our questions with His love.

There are many different colors and shapes to our grief and they mirror the variation I see through the seasons.  There is no good or bad. Our variety reveals who we are.

We beg the Maker to remove loss and replace it with abundance because we are desperate for joy. . .we are desperate for peace.

But there is peace in the process. . .that passes understanding.

My dear friend, I grieve with you in your process. I weep as you weep and I question as you question but I pray you find hope. I implore you to find the beauty that is hidden within the buds of growth and life as you journey through the seasons.

He will not leave you barren. He will not leave you bare.

“May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing.” Romans 15:13

This post was written in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I am part of this community having experienced 3 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. Today I stand with the brave women who have endured loss and I remember the life we once carried in our wombs. I also stand in hope that the desires of their hearts will be fulfilled in His perfect timing. He is faithful.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month with October 15th being the day that thousands of people around the world with honor the grief and loss they’ve experienced through miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death.

Because we have experienced loss in our community, we want to join with others who will be remembering this month. We hope that you’ll find your own way of reaching out to those around you who have experienced loss. Even if you can’t fully understand their grief or need to remember, gather around them with love and support.

For those who would like to participate this month, here is our list of organizations that will be honoring this important occasion:

October15th.com

Still Standing Magazine

Small Bird Studios

I Am The Face

Capture Your Grief

If nothing else, I ask that you join with us in praying for those who have lost a child to find peace and hope in Jesus.

Will you be participating this month? If you feel comfortable, we’d love to hear if you’ve lost a baby so we can celebrate their life with you this month. And please let us know what organizations I missed that will be taking part.

{Image courtesy of Small Bird Studios}

I consider myself one of those people who doesn’t always know what to say. This is why I love to write. Writing allows you time to think and formulate and perfect. Having words on the spot requires much more instinct. And guts. . .it takes lots of guts to open your mouth, let the words fly and hope you are saying the right thing. The good thing about me though, is when I don’t know what to say, I usually just say, “I’m so sorry” or I keep my mouth shut. I suppose this is a talent I gained after enduring several losses and cringing at the thought of some unknowing person thinking they know and in turn telling me what I should know to be true about my situation.

“God has other plans.”

“Maybe you should adopt.”

“If you will just relax. It will happen.”

The loved ones that truly brought healing were those who thought, beyond words, to reach out to my broken heart. Sitting by my side. Crying with me. Bringing a meal over so I didn’t have to cook. Holding my hand even though I clenched theirs so hard it hurt.

When someone is hurting, this is the outpouring they remember. Not the cliches and recited prayers. We need to go beyond words to meet the needs of grieving hearts. Because there is a holiness in tears and touch that can get lost in words that flow out of the human heart.

I have the great privilege to introduce our readers this week to an amazing artist and mother, Stephanie with Beyond Words Designs. You can read more about Stephanie’s story and the loss of her baby girl here. As a tribute to her daughter, Stephanie created Beyond Words Designs where she creates art that celebrates life. I met Stephanie at Blissdom this past February. We were sitting at a table together during one of the sessions. I overheard her sharing part of her story and I knew I was to meet her afterward. While many other attendees made their way to chat with the speaker, I knew I needed to and wanted to meet this woman who endured such loss (from what I could hear) yet emulated peace and joy.

I know there are several mothers in our community who have suffered loss through infant death, stillbirth, miscarriage and infertility. I know the pieces in the Beyond Words collection will speak to you. But this art is not only about loss. It’s about life. So no matter what your story, there is something beautiful for you in these pieces.

We have the great honor this week of giving away a $50 shop credit to Beyond Words Designs! Enter below for your chance to choose your favorite item in Stephanie’s store. You may choose something to honor a loss or if you are currently expecting there are beautiful images portraying life to celebrate your pregnancy.

We’d love to hear from you. . .what acts that went beyond words meant the most to you when you were walking through a difficult time?

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Loss after 20 weeks in pregnancy is medically referred to as stillbirth.

Luckily, the risk of this type of loss is rare.  The current rate in the US at 6/1000.  Still, it’s a common fear among pregnant women.

Here are the most common conditions associated with stillbirth, and what you and your doctor can do to help lower your risk of a bad out come.

High Blood Pressure and Pre-eclampsia

When I was pregnant, my husband came to only a couple of my prenantal visits.  Afterward, he remarked, that they seemed pretty pointless. “All they did was weigh you, check your blood pressure, make you pee and listen to the heart beat.” He said. “It only took 5 minutes.”

I explained to him how much valuable information these routine checks actually gives the doctor.  The earliest signs of preeclampsia can show up in these numbers. By intervening  early in preeclampsia, we can help improve the safety of delivery and prevent bad outcomes.

Hypertension effects all the blood vessels in the body, including the placenta. Over time it can reduce nutrient flow to the baby.

Preeclampsia is a specific type of hypertension that you get only during pregnancy.  It is more common in the final weeks of pregnancy which is one of the main reasons we make you come to the doctor more frequently during the last month.

Attending your regular prenatal visits is the best screening for preeclampsia.  If you do have hypertension, then your doctor will often do ultrasounds and nonstress tests to make sure that your baby is doing well.

Diabetes

Much as high blood pressure effects the entire body, so does diabetes.  If you have diabetes, it is best to meet with your doctor before conception to optimize your health and review your specific risk. Well controlled blood sugars, frequent ultrasounds and nonstress tests are usually implemented to help reduce your risk of complications.

Gestational diabetes that is controlled only by diet, does not increase your risk of still birth.  If insulin is required, then gestational diabetics will also need nonstress tests.

Smoking

Smoking is bad. Don’t do it.  It is a completely preventable cause of stillbirth.

If you are having difficulty quitting smoking during your pregnancy, then talk to your doctor about medications or counseling that may help you stop.

Cord Accident

As I deliver a baby, 25% percent of the time the cord is wrapped around the neck. Usually it is only loosely draped and I can easily move it out of the way. Sometimes it is tight and I have to clamp it and perform maneuvers to safely deliver the wee one. When I inform the parents, they often look horrified.  I reassure them that this is common. The cord is made of a very pliant rubbery tissue that is designed to withstand the pressures of the womb.

One mom recently said that she had been terrified her last few weeks of pregnancy worrying that her baby might get entangled in its cord and die. This had happened to someone she knew. I realize this an extremely common fear.

A stillbirth due to cord accident is very rare, and is usually not due to the cord around the neck. There is not a way on ultrasound to determine if the baby is at risk for cord accident.

The best precaution is to perform daily movement counts after 28 weeks.  There are several ways to do this. Each day you want to make sure that the baby has an active time. We recommend our patients to feel for at least 6 distinct movements in an hour. This doesn’t need to be EVERY hour, just pick one hour during the day when baby is normally active. If you don’t get 6 movements, then lay on your side and drink  juice.  If he still doesn’t move, then call your provider.

Post Dates

The risk of stillbirth begins to increase if a baby goes more than 7 days past its due date. The risk increases exponentially (200 fold ) if the baby goes more than 2 weeks over the due date. For this reason, we usually recommend induction at 7-10 days overdue.

Other

Genetic conditions such as down syndrome and trisomy 18 are another common cause of stillbirth.

A BMI of >40 is associated with an increased risk of stillbirth.  Repeat ultrasounds and nonstress tests are also recommended for morbidly obese women.

And still, a small percentage of stillbirths occur for unknown reasons.

Stillbirth is one of the biggest fears of pregnant women. However, it is very rare. Even if you have one the conditions mentioned, your risk is less than 1%. Most of you are already doing everything you can to help prevent it: attending your regular prenatal visits, not smoking and doing your daily fetal movement counts. If you still struggle with fear, talk to your provider about your specific concerns and see Jessica’s article on Fighting Fear in Pregnancy.

I hope these facts help calm your anxiety but please, let us know how we can be praying for you. Do you find yourself fighting this type of fear in your pregnancy?

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