Let there be no mistake about it. I am absolutely, without a doubt, pro-life.

After the release of The Pregnancy Companion we were told by a high-profile Christian family ministry that they could not partner with us because “they did not share our views on abortion.” As you can imagine, this came as quite a surprise to us since we don’t address abortion in the book {after all, it is about pregnancy} besides mentioning that a D&C to remove a miscarried baby is in no way an abortion. It was frustrating, to say the least, that these Christian leaders did not engage us enough to understand our passionate hearts for babies and mamas – our whole motivation for creating these books and this community. Although I’ve always considered myself “pro-life”, I hadn’t thought much about my position on choosing life - even after this annoying accusation – until recently.

Last night I attended a memorial service that no one should ever have to bear. When my mother-in-law died from ALS at the age of 61, we said it was too soon, and it was. What do you say when a baby is taken before she ever graces the earth with her pure and precious soul? It’s too soon. A gross understatement.

As I sat and wept with my friends who said goodbye to their baby girl the day she was born into their arms, lifeless, I was amazed by their strength. This is a couple who I highly respect. Two people who are constantly giving to others, who carry joy within their daily lives no matter the circumstances and who are driven by their deep faith. Their journey over the past 4 months since they learned their unborn baby girl had Trisomy 13, has been inspirational. So focused on allowing their process to minister to others and ultimately bring glory to God, these two have amazed me.

Last night was no exception. In the midst of an extremely emotional service, they exemplified what it truly means to walk in faith.

As I’ve grieved with them over the past week I’ve been asking the Lord the typical why? and how could this be? questions. Thing is. . .I know the answer. I understand, albeit with shallow depth, that we live in a fallen world and these devastating circumstances are part of it. But I found myself crying out to him on their behalf, But they didn’t get to choose! As I uttered those words about choice, I believe he revealed to me that the same brokenness that takes away their choice, begs to offer another mother hers.

I wouldn’t dare try to turn my friends’ devastation into a political discussion. But I feel compelled to share with you this revelation. If you believe a woman should have the choice whether to keep or terminate her pregnancy then perhaps you are reading the wrong blog right now. We are a faith-based ministry and we believe in the sanctity of life from it’s very beginning. We believe that all life has a purpose beyond this earth and that God is the author of that purpose. Please do not attack this post trying to alter our beliefs. Simply move on and let the rest of us ponder in peace.

It required the same strength and faith in the midst of fear for my friends to choose joy and peace in their circumstances as it would take for a mother to choose life in the midst of an unwanted or feared pregnancy. I have been so broken by the fact that my friends didn’t get to choose life for their child and countless mothers do have the chance to choose life for their unborn babies every day. I realize that these mothers may be facing devastating or scary circumstances surrounding their pregnancy. I get that they may not have planned it. My friends didn’t plan their circumstances either. This precious couple also faced fear of the unknown, an incredible adjustment in their lives and a circumstance that was grossly outside of what they had dreamed.

I’m not trying to compare losing a child to contemplating an unplanned pregnancy as if they were identical situations. I’m merely processing the realization that brokenness takes on many forms. No matter what it looks like in our own lives, we all have a choice. The choice of life, for some, is very literal. For many it’s about choosing joy and hope in the midst of fear and grief. It’s about choosing to trust and walk peacefully down an unknown road knowing that we are not alone.

This sweet couple could easily be walking in bitterness. They could be angry and confused and without hope. They could have allowed this loss to bury them in grief. Instead, they are a testimony. They are living proof that God is near to the brokenhearted. I wish the same peace and closeness of Christ for anyone going through a loss like this or any loss for that matter. I pray the same strength would rise up in mothers who are facing the choice of whether or not to choose life for their child. Each and every circumstance is different {which is why I hate the politics that must surround the issue of life} but the truth remains. All of the strength and hope we need to make the right choices is available to us in Christ. And we are all one choice away from really living. Everyday.

The truth is. . .my friends did have a choice. And they chose life.

I have to admit, up until this evening I had nothing as far as a blog post for you my friends. Life with a toddler has proven to be crazier than I remember. I’d forgotten that moms do not get to sit down when their littles are between age 12-24 months ish. But the great thing about having “nothing” is it forces you to seek God desperately for something. His thing. Providentially, the “thing” I feel He’s given me to share has a lot to do with seeking Him in our nothingness.

Barrenness.

 A state of being unproductive. Unfruitful.

Having been physically barren at one point in my journey and realizing there are several women in our community continuing to believe for life within their bodies, I of course am speaking in the most literal sense here. But for those that have not struggled with physical barrenness, take a moment now and ask God to show you other areas in your life where you might be unfruitful, areas where you need life.

After my second miscarriage, I closed the door to our empty nursery. I couldn’t stand the sight of the room at the top of the stairs that had no sign of life to come. It was easier just not to look at it.

One day my mother came over and with tears in her eyes she said, “You need to open this door. You need to believe this room will be filled. Open this door in faith that life is coming.”

As I looked deeply into her firm gaze, I nodded and opened the door

Weeks passed, and I found myself drawn to sit in that room every once in a while and pray. One particular morning I was led to Isaiah 41:18-20 as I prayed.

“I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs. I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set pines in the wasteland, the fir and cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and undertstand, the hand of the Lord has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.” {NIV}

As I read those words, I began to feel faith rise up within me. I knew that this was a promise for all of God’s people and in this season, especially for me. I’ve never been one to name it and claim in, but I began to believe – truly believe that it was time for me to have a child. I knew at this point, any further waiting was not God’s plan.

A month later I became pregnant with my now, 4 year old daughter, Hope.

This promise is not just for me . . .for some. It’s for you. It’s for the child you long for. The finances you so desperately need. The freedom from a life-draining addiction. The reconciliation of a strained relationship.

Wherever you are barren in this season, He has promised to bring life. Wherever you are parched, He has promised to bring springs of provision.

My father-in-law took this photo last year on a visit to Colorado. I just love the visual of rows and rows of trees standing firms towards Heaven. I believe this is a picture of the provision that is coming for this community of faith. Countless testimonies of His faithfulness.

“…so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the Lord has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.”

For our growth and His glory . . .our barrenness will give way to life.

Do you believe it? If so, I want you to boldly share what it is you are trusting God for right now. We can believe together that He will make rivers to flow on barren heights.

We had a wonderful discussion last week when Dr. Rupe wrote her brave post about home birth. After reading through the comments and thinking about the conversations I’ve personally had with women about this and similar subjects, I felt compelled to share my thoughts, as a patient, on trusting doctors and the medical community. I had no idea when I first thought to write this post that I’d have a recent, personal experience to add to the mix.

My almost 4 year old daughter broke her leg last week on a trampoline.

2 hospitals

1 ambulance ride

2 emergency rooms

6 doctors

9 nurses

7 x-ray techs

2 IV insertions in my girl’s tiny hands

1 big, giant cast

and I still feel the same way I felt last week.

When my sweet child looked at me with fear and tears in her eyes, the only response I could muster was,

“We have to trust them sweetie. They know what they are doing.”

She kept crying, “No, don’t let them do that. It hurts.”

To which I gently replied, “Do you trust me?” “Yes,” she whispered. “Then you can trust them. Because I trust them.”

This experience took my level of trust to a whole new level. It’s one thing to trust a doctor or a nurse with my well-being. It’s entirely another thing to trust them with my child. But I did.

I have realized that our interaction with the medical community needs to be a gentle balance of trust and discernment. To me this means that I trust until I’m given a reason not to trust. Much like our legal system is built on the “innocent until proven guilty” value, we need to “trust until given a reason not to trust” our medical advocates.

After 24 hours with my daughter and all of these medical encounters, I was not given one, even slight reason to distrust the doctors or nurses or techs. Each one of them exemplified complete expertise and professionalism. Each one of them put my mother heart at ease.

It’s true that there are always exceptions. Perhaps someone is having a bad day. Perhaps your gut is telling you to go in a different direction than your medical professional is suggesting. These rare experiences should not be seen as the norm. They are exceptions.

“But I often find I disagree with my doctor,” you might say. Well then you need to ask yourself a tough question. Is your doctor really wrong or off the mark or do you have a larger issue with trust and perhaps even control?

If you are the type that likes to be in control of things (like me) or you have an issue with trust, it doesn’t mean you have to write off the medical community as a whole. What if you could find a doctor that is more conversational in talking through your medical options? What if you find one that better fits your personality? Wouldn’t a partnership with this type of physician benefit you?

Just like a doctor or nurse has a responsibility to professionalism, continuing education and bedside manner, we as patients have a responsibility to search out a physician we trust and with whom we are comfortable. Then, we have the responsibility to trust them. That doesn’t mean we cannot question, probe or disagree. It just means that we ultimately look at our relationship with them as a partnership.

I said a few times in The Pregnancy Companion book, “If you don’t trust your OB, then find a new one, quick!” This is not because I endorse doc hopping. I pray that all women find a doctor with whom they are completely comfortable. And I pray that you are able to partner completely with that physician to have the pregnancy and childbirth that you desire. If you have particular wishes, then discuss those with your provider. If you don’t believe they are hearing you or are supportive of your desires then you may need to seek out a new partner. But I would venture to guess that most doctors will be supportive of your desire for a particular type of birth or they will have very good, medical reasons for not supporting it. Be committed to hearing them out before you consider a switch.

As I sat in (more liked paced) our hospital room last week, I noticed a sign on the wall. “Parents. . .our partners in care.” It completely confirmed my feelings on this subject. We must all find that wonderful balance of personal conviction and trust when it comes to all things medical in our lives and the lives of our family. I am so thankful that the good Lord anoints and appoints medical experts to help us in our time of need but I am equally thankful that he’s given me holy spirit discernment to know how to respond to their advice. Hopefully, I will most often be in agreement with these partners. On the rare occasion that I am not, I pray he gives me the grace to speak up respectfully, with the goal of finding a solution together.

What are some ways you’ve partnered with your physician to find a solution that worked for you? Whether it’s regarding pregnancy, childbirth or the care of your child – we’d love to hear your stories!

“So neither the one who plants or the one who waters is anything but only God who causes things to grow.” 1 Corinthians 3:7

Firmly Planted and Growing. . .

This morning I had the privilege of speaking to the women at The Gate in Franklin, TN. What a precious group of girls. So much life represented there. One hopeful mommy is now expecting after several miscarriages and we had a sweet time of prayer for another still believing for her miracle. Here’s a little bit of what I shared after I told my story. This has been on my heart for some time now. Nothing completely earth-shattering but I believe good reminders for us no matter what it is we are walking through.

I’ve always said, we never know what the Lord is going to require of us because he is more concerned with our growth and his glory than any outcome here on earth. I never imagined how true that would be for me. I’m sure many of you can say the same. We never start out on the journey expecting it to be hard. We are wide-eyed and hopeful. I know I was.

Throughout my journey to motherhood, I kept asking the Lord to spare me any more heartache so I could see how deep my relationship with him would go apart from sorrow. But I realized, the heartaches and the sorrows are the rain that cause our growth. Without them we would remain stagnant and unfruitful.

And growth requires both sunshine and rain. Too much sunshine without the rain leads to drought. Too much rain without sunshine leads to flooding. We need to seek him for balance but hope for both sunshine and rain to nourish us. This is how we become firmly planted and ultimately grow.

This Thanksgiving season I challenge you {as I am also challenging myself} to ask the questions:

What things are sunshine in my life?
What things are the rain?

Acknowledge and thank him for it all. Your life and it’s growth and fruitfulness require both.

Thankful for sunshine and rain,
Jessica

We are not exactly doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. CS Lewis

My husband and I have been married 9 years this week. As we celebrate, I can’t help but think back 5 years when we suffered our first miscarriage shortly after our 4th anniversary dinner. Although we were aware of our fertility issues, after a somewhat unexpected pregnancy (in that we never expected it to happen so quickly), we never dreamed we’d be facing such a loss. In a way it was the beginning of our wait. Sure, we knew from the get go that pregnancy would likely not come easily but we were wide-eyed, hopeful and a bit naive having not ever walked this road before. It wasn’t until we lost our first baby that we understood how hard the journey might be.

I love this quote from CS Lewis because it gives voice to what I felt in my heart all along my journey. I never doubted God. I never really feared he wouldn’t allow me to be a mother. What I feared was what he’d require of me before he fulfilled that longing. Not because I think he is a cruel God that requires payment for his blessings but rather because I know that he is more interested in my growth and his glory than my immediate happiness.

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:25

It wasn’t until shortly before I became pregnant with my son that I realized that I’d been going about the waiting all wrong. I’d been waiting on God to hear my cry and decide I was worthy of that which I was asking him for. I prayed. I confessed. I declared victory. But there wasn’t a magical formula that caused him to open the fertility floodgates. Then, when I hit rock bottom and thought there was no hope yet continued to hope (which I believe was finally, pure hope), he answered YES. . .a yes that ultimately brought him glory. All along I was waiting on him when I should have been hoping in him. I know it sounds simple but this is a paradigm shift in thinking that could greatly affect how we wait.

If you read Isaiah 40:31 in different translations of the Bible, you would find this. . .

{NIV} Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. . .

{KJV} They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. . .

Those words are definitely interchangeable when it comes to this verse. But if we are not careful, we will find ourselves waiting without hope and that will lead to weariness, frustration and despair.

What are you waiting for? A family? Your dream job? Healing? Finances? Are you waiting on him or hoping in him?

Let’s refocus our hearts to hoping in him as we wait for his response to our requests. As we do, I know he will daily renew our strength.

Praying for you and whatever you are hoping for,

Jessica

I hope you all were encouraged by Dr. Rupe’s amazing adoption story. I lived through it with her yet I still get chills every time we talk about it. What an amazing reminder that sometimes the Lord allows us to wait for things so that he will get the most glory when it finally comes about the way he chooses. What a miracle story!

Speaking of miracles. . .Remember how I was believing that I would conceive this month even though, medically it was a long shot? The main reason I felt the grace to believe for such a thing was because of the faith of a friend. A couple of weeks ago I met Heather (sorry, I just can’t call her Dr. Rupe when talking so personally about our friendship) and our friend Donna for dinner. It was right after the appointment I wrote about where my eggs were on the wrong side (remember I only have one tube after my ectopic pregnancy) and I was asked to pay out the wazooo for fertility treatments that didn’t work. I was at a low point on my journey and I truly felt like I wanted to give up. I shared the update with Donna and Heather. Both were very sweet and encouraging but it was Heather’s response that changed everything. Here she was. . .not only my friend but my doctor as well and she said, “That’s no big deal. Your tubes can flop around. I really feel like this is THE month.” Did my OB really just tell me that maybe I could conceive against all odds? It was like a shot in the arm. . .both the reassurance of the slight medical possibility and my sweet friend believing when I didn’t think I could believe any longer.

I left that dinner feeling so hopeful. More hopeful than I had been when the eggs where on the right side. So I began to pray and ask the Lord for the near impossible (but not completely impossible according to my doc). I started to realize that if he did allow me conceive against the odds like this, it would surely bring more glory to him. Having a story like that would make all the waiting and the pain worth it.

So this is it. . .the post I’ve been waiting all year to write. I am pregnant!! Although we remain guarded having been through all we’ve been through in the past, our main hurdle has been cleared: that little bugger safely made it to my uterus (as was confirmed on an early ultrasound yesterday). I’m only 5 weeks along and perhaps I’m crazy to be sharing this news so soon but I feel like you all have walked faithfully with me through this journey so I’m committed to share all of it with you. I appreciate your prayers as we wait in hope for the next milestones: hearing a heartbeat in a week or so and getting through the first trimester. We are guarded yet we believe that he will be faithful to continue this miracle.

So once again I am reminded that sometimes he asks us to wait for things so he can bring them about his way. I am truly honored that he would use me and my story to bring glory to himself.

May you see his glory in your own life this season.
Love,

I am so excited that Heather is going to share her adoption story this month. You will not believe this amazing story. It’s wonderfully ironic (or maybe it’s providential) that she would be sharing about her adoption now. I wouldn’t dare steal her thunder and share any specifics but I will say their adoption process was a long and tiring road (much like the one I am traveling now) yet it ended in a complete, God-ordained, you-don’t-even-see-this-in-the-movies sort of way.

Two weeks ago I went back to the doctor to see if the additional drugs they gave me worked. They did. They worked so well I had two, great, big eggs on my right side. . .the one with no tube. When the tech gave me the news, I didn’t know if I wanted to curse or cry. That stupid ovary hadn’t produced ANY eggs for the past 4 months. And now that I’m at my whit’s end, it gives me two giant ones that will surely go to waste in the abyss of my tubeless, right abdomen?!? Pretty quickly after my initial disappointment, I felt a huge rush of peace. I just wanted to laugh. The doctor told me this month would probably be a bust but you never know. We proceeded to make plans for my next cycle.

When I told Dr. Rupe, she said she would pray that my fallopian tubes would flop around this month so perhaps the left one would catch one of those eggs. As crazy as it sounded, I began to hope and pray, knowing that it would be just like the Lord to do something crazy like allow me to conceive against all odds.

Now don’t get too excited. This is not the “I’m Pregnant!” post that I’ve been longing to write all year. I’ll actually find out this week though if I am. I have the most renewed sense of faith as I wait. I know that I’m probably not pregnant. It would truly be a miracle if I was. But I’ve not stopped asking him to do the unthinkable. I’ve not stopped believing that he surely could. And remembering Heather’s crazy adoption story reminds me that he can. If he chooses not to, then he has something else in mind for the next chapter of my story. I will simply pray for grace and provision as I wait for it to be revealed.

I’m praying that each of you will be filled with crazy faith this week. . .no matter what that means for you and your story.

Love,

Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had in a really, long time. I went to the fertility clinic for my routine day 17 follicular ultrasound only to find many, small, defunct eggs in my ovaries. This has never happened to me which means the fertility drugs aren’t working anymore. I held back tears as I met with the doctor who told me they would try additional meds to see if they could get these eggs going. If not, we’d need to move to more “aggressive measures.” He might as well have said, “If not, we’ll need to look at mortgaging your house if you want to have another child.”

I fought the tears that wanted so badly to cover my face and sat down to check out only to discover that the provision of God that I had proclaimed as a result of my insurance company oddly covering the cost of my ultrasounds, was not in fact provision but a mistake. And I was handed a bill for $600. Do you know what it feels like to pay for fertility treatments AFTER you already know they didn’t work? I wanted to throw up.

I ran to my car so that no one would see me when I lost it. I closed the door and did just that. I thought I was going to hyperventilate.

Why does it have to be so hard Lord? Isn’t the desire to have and raise children a Godly one? Why have you chosen not to intervene? Why won’t you have mercy on us?

When I pulled it together I found the strength to read the materials the doctor had given me about these “more aggressive” measures. Injectable fertility drugs and close monitoring for about $3000-$5000 a month (and they say it takes an average of 3-6 months for it to work). OR we go straight to IVF for $12,000-$15,000.

And then I cried some more.

Seriously, Lord?! Do you really want us to spend this kind of money for a life that we know comes from you anyway? WHY OH WHY Lord have you not intervened? Have we heard you wrong? Are we not supposed to have another biological child?

I spent the better part of the day and night angry and bitter. I’m not ashamed to admit that I had these responses. The burdens on my heart are many (there are several others I have yet to share) so yes, I am at the end of my rope and it makes me angry from time to time.

My husband prayed over us before we went to bed and although I still felt like I wanted to scream, it allowed my heart and mind to rest a bit.

This morning I awoke with fresh peace and perspective. Thank the Lord that his mercies are new every morning. I’m still disappointed and confused and overwhelmed by the decisions we have to make, but as I read Jesus Calling over breakfast I was reminded that I cannot face the circumstances that come to me unless I remain in his presence. As mother’s and women in general, no matter what we are facing we won’t make it unless we invite him in and hold him close. I can yell and scream and shake my fist at God but the moment I picture his precious and sacrificial son sitting next to me or wiping away my tears, my anger turns into raw and honest love.

I am asking him for new mercies. I think one of the things I wrote in the book in the chapter on miscarriage and loss is “Ask the Lord for strength to get through the day and then ask again tomorrow.” I guess I should take my own advice. I have no idea what his will is regarding our family. I am trying my best to take it one step at a time. I know he’s already intimately familiar with the story that is unfolding before us. I just have to trust he’ll lead us through this crossroads. I appreciate your prayers as we seek him.

Love,

It’s amazing how we can respond so differently to the same circumstances at different junctures. I’ve told several people this week – I’m not sure if I’m growing up or growing cold but I feel very indifferent about the fact that God said no yet again this month. My feeble, little mind keeps trying to understand why, if all of the parts needed to conceive are there each month, is it not happening. I’ve conceived four times before. Four times in four years, which is pretty remarkable for someone deemed “infertile.” And yet after repeated attempts with measures beyond any needed in the past, my womb is empty.

After learning that I was not pregnant again, I sat with my Bible and told God that I needed him to speak to me. I needed to know that he saw my disappointment and my pain. I opened right up to Psalm 119:49 and this is what I read:

Remember your word to your servant, you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life.

Our daughter, whose life we also fought for, is named Hope. He has literally given us hope. For that I am so thankful. I asked God last month if we were supposed to be believing for another biological child and I believe he said yes. I believe it was a promise. His promise preserves my life.

I read through Psalm 119:58 and then I read it in The Message where it says:

I beg you from the bottom of my heart: smile, be gracious to me just as you promised.

What an honest cry this is. I’m learning to be more honest with the Lord. He is not afraid of my pain. He is not afraid of my questions. He is full of grace and love for me. . .and for you.

As I’m sure many of us can say about some part of our life: I wish this were not my story. I would prefer to walk an easy road in establishing my family. But for whatever reason, God sees fit to lead us on this journey. The tension of walking and waiting is a hard one. I do not know what the next chapter holds, I just know I must put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, trusting him to lead us.

Whatever journey you are on right now, will you trust him to show you the way?

When I am in need of words in prayer that I cannot find myself, I often turn to a book my husband gave me several years ago, The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions. I don’t know what it is about these simple yet profound prayers. Or maybe it’s just that. They are simple yet seem to always express the depth of my heart. This one in particular called Divine Promises has been especially encouraging to me the past few months. I wanted to share it here in hopes that it would encourage you no matter where you are in your life during this season.

Glorious Jehovah, My Covenant God,

All thy promises in Christ Jesus are yea and amen, and all shall be fulfilled.
Thou hast spoken them, and they shall be done, commanded, and they shall come to pass.
Yet I have often doubted thee, have lived at times as if there were no God.
Lord, forgive me that death in life, when I have found something apart from thee, when I have been content with ephemeral things.
But through thy grace I have repented; thou has given me to read my pardon in the wounds of Jesus, and my soul doth trust in him, my God incarnate, the ground of my life, the spring of my hope.
Teach me to be resigned to your will, to delight in thy law, to have no will but thine, to believe that everything thou doest is for my good.
Help me to leave my concerns in thy hands, for thou has power over evil, and bringest from it an infinite progression of good, until thy purposes are fulfilled.
Bless me with Abraham’s faith that staggers not at promises through unbelief.
May I not instruct thee in my troubles, but glorify thee in my trials; grant me a distinct advance in the divine life; may I reach a higher platform, leave the mists of doubt and fear in the valley, and climb to hill-tops of eternal security in Christ by simply believing he cannot lie, or turn from his purpose.
Give me the confidence I ought to have in him who is worthy to be praised, and who is blessed for evermore.

May this be our daily prayer,